SHARKFORUM: OPINION WITH TEETH

Drink? Thanks, I’ve already got a glass of brandy. Lie in the dark and sort out the dirty laundry of the past? Nah… There’s no percentage in it. Count sheep? Yeah, right… Perhaps a brief meditation on the Beatles and the enigma of the fifth member that seemed to be always standing in the shadows wielding power and influence. That ought to put some of us to sleep…

It seemed like the Fab Four were always searching for their missing fifth wheel. Beginning with Stu Sutcliffe who actually played the role for a short time as the original bassist for The Silver Beatles as they were known in the days before they became “Fab.” Stu was John’s drinking buddy and showed great artistic promise but had very little, if any musical ability. But with his clip-on shades Sutcliffe was the embodiment of James Dean hip. He was so poor he burned his furniture one winter to keep warm while living in a paint-splattered garret in Hamburg. How Bohemian is that?! Stu originally suggested the name The Beetles inspired by Buddy Holly and the Crickets - which Lennon then oh so cleverly changed into The Beatles. Beaten to a pulp by a rival gang of Teddy Boys Sutcliffe would have been dead if John hadn’t pulled him from the fray. And don’t forget it was Astrid Kirchner, Stu’s beautiful leather-clad German photographer fraulein from their wild days on the Hamburg Reeperbahn gave the lads the famous hair-do.

Enter Brian Epstein - the Cavern, Liverpool, November 1961 – the record store manager/impresario from the North Country with an ear for pop and an eye for the boys in the tight trousers. Brian cleaned up the lads’ image, dressed them like a new breed of bankers and coached them on how to bow. No matter how fruity their flower-power threads got, Brian, to his credit, stuck to his hand-tailored suits and Father Knows Best image. If the pills hadn’t done him in, Two Virgins would’ve done the trick.

Next we have McCartney’s “grandfather” - Wilfrid Brambell, the “very clean” old gent in A Hard Day’s Night. Although Paul was supposedly looking after him, the wrinkly old codger sneaks off to carouse and play cards. With Brambell as their mascot the Fab’s cuteness jumped yet another notch (as if that was possible). After all, what shenanigans can take place with an old man around as escort? A little hand- holding, maybe a rum and coke or two and smoking a couple of fags...

Then came Murray The K – The New York disc jockey from 10.10 AM WINS (The Good Guys) who billed himself as “The Fifth Beatle” while fueling the pandemonium of Beatlemania in the states. Lennon later revealed that “The Fifth Beatle” actually was “Muffy the Cow.”



Magic Alex (AKA John Alexis Mardas) – the synthesizer wizard who traveled with the Beatles to Greece when they were searching to buy their paradise island - Leslo. The liner notes to Magical Mystery Tour begins something like – “Long ago there were four or five magicians” – a friendly nod to Magic Alex who was the leading candidate at the time.

Maharishi Mahesh Yogi – After Brian Epstein died the boys no longer had their father figure. Who better than the giggling guru of transcendental meditation? But after a short trip to the ashram John realized he could grow his own beard and hair down to his ass, dress in white and become his own messianic figure (see the cover of Abbey Road). He no longer needed “Sexy Sadie” to show him the way.

Yoko Ono – John’s collaborator after McCartney. They could get naked together, don pajamas and protest the war, make goofy conceptual art, take heroin, do primal scream therapy and have sex. Later Paulie…

Billy Preston – a little bit of Fender Rhodes gospel kept the Fabs together for one last go ‘round. Maybe they had to behave themselves a bit with a guest in the studio. Thankfully Billy stuck around long enough to lay down the funk on a couple of George and John’s solo projects.

George Martin – Let’s give the man his props. If anyone deserves the title of “The 5th Beatle” it is truly Sir George. From his Elizabethan piano solo on “In My Life” to gently stirring the psychedelic soup of “Tomorrow Never Knows,” we should all have been so lucky to have this guy at the board.

Let us not forget Mal Evans, the band’s roadie who helped McCartney write “I’m Fixing A Hole” and “Magical Mystery Tour” among others.

Now if you wanna get weird there’s crazy ol’ Charlie Manson who had a person to person call wired to his brain from McCartney via “Helter Skelter,” telling him to kill the Beach Boys.

Then there’s Bernard Purdie, the seasoned session drummer who claims to have filled in for Ringo on just about every song since “Love Me Do.”

And don’t be dumb, Pete Best was the fourth Beatle until the lads conspired to replace him with the guy with the big nose and all them rings who was actually the sixth Beatle who (after Stu died and Best was booted) became the fourth Beatle.

Which now brings us to Sir Richard Starkey crooning the gentle lullaby “Goodnight, sleep tight…” from der White Album.