A play by Margaret Sullivan
Dramatis Personae
Julia, the Condo Board President
Margaret, the Vice President
A chorus of several neighbors, all women
Rhonda
Her husband, Dick
Setting
The present time in an urban condominium. A meeting is in progress in a common area. The participants, Julia, Margaret and the chorus are dressed very informally, even sloppily, considering that it is an expensive building.
Act One, Scene One
JULIA
Margaret politely raises her hand, asking to be recognized
JULIA
Yes, a word from my helpful Vice President, what say you, Margaret?
MARGARET
Let's all fuck Rhonda's husband.
THE CHORUS
Ooh. Interesting.
JULIA
Excuse me?
MARGARET
Let's all fuck Rhonda's husband.
It's a little device that can help the building.
L is for Let's or Lawn Committee.
A is for All or air conditioner removal.
F is for Fuck or fire escape clean up
R is for Rhonda's or Rummage Sale
And H is for Husband which stands for Household item exchange.
JULIA
Oh, excellent!
MARGARET
Because she's a fucking cunt
JULIA
Excuse me?
MARGARET
Because she's, B is for; S is for. . .
JULIA
Book swap?
MARGARET
A fucking cunt.
JULIA
Furniture for the courtyard!
You know, she really is.
CHORUS MEMBER ONE
She sure is! She confiscated my bike because I left it in the hall just to put my groceries down.
CHORUS MEMBER TWO
She clipped the lock on my storage room to inspect my things!
CHORUS MEMBER THREE
When she was board president, she fined me $500 for grilling after 7PM!
CHORUS MEMBER FOUR
Listen. She changed the by laws to allow washers and dryers in the units, which is a fire hazard, got herself the appliances, installed them, then changed the laws back to prohibit them again, so that she could be the only one in the building with her own in home laundry.
CHORUS MEMBER FIVE
She uses the old janitor's apartment to store her extra china. We could be renting that space.
CHORUS MEMBER SIX
Or we could have a janitor!
JULIA
Remember when she had the herb garden paved over so she could park her second SUV?
ALL IN UNISON
Let's All Fuck Rhonda's Husband
Let's All Fuck Rhonda's Husband
Let's All Fuck Rhonda's Husband
Because She's a Fucking Cunt!
JULIA
Thank you, but why not just fuck Rhonda?
MARGARET
If we just fuck Rhonda, how will we remember the Household Item exchange or the book swap and furniture for the courtyard?
JULIA
Good point. Let's talk logistics. No offense, ladies, but we're looking a little ragged. I mean, if fucking Rhonda's husband is going to support our building makeover, then I think we ought to start with our own makeovers.
CHORUS
Agreed.
JULIA
Margaret, do we have budget for that?
MARGARET
Well, I'm thinking. What if we didn't repair the west roof this year? That would be enough for us to all get manicures, haircuts, and most important, bikini waxes. We're probably on our own for new outfits.
JULIA
How about a fitness program? Can we bring in a trainer?
MARGARET
Sure. We'll just cancel the re-caulking project.
JULIA
Is there a motion on the floor?
CHORUS
So moved! We're all in favor!
We're Helping the Building
W, H, B
Waxing, Haircuts, Body building,
Fucking Rhonda's Man!
F, R, M
Fashion, Renting porn, Manicures!
We're Helping the Building by Fucking Rhonda's Man!
Waxing, Haircuts, Body building, Fashion, Renting porn, Manicures!
Exit everyone chanting all the while
END SCENE ONE
Act One Scene Two
Margaret is seated on a portable chair in the building elevator. Her appearance is dramatically sexier. Beside her is a magazine stand and a basket of yarn and knitting needles. She is flipping through an erotic magazine and breathing heavily. Rhonda's husband Dick enters.
MARGARET
Hi Dick!
DICK
Hi.
MARGARET
You look wonderful.
DICK
Thanks.
MARGARET
And you smell like heaven.
DICK
Oh.
MARGARET
I adore your haircut. Is it new?
DICK
Why are you sitting in the elevator?
MARGARET
I knew if I sat here long enough that you would come in.
DICK
I would?
MARGARET
Yes, you.
DICK
Why?
MARGARET
Because I want to see you. Or maybe, I want to smell you. Can you smell me Dick?
DICK
I dunno know.
MARGARET
Because I have very real scent, Dick. I once had a boyfriend who would move his fingers inside me, collect my potion and rub it behind my ears so that I would be perfumed in my glory all day long. Wasn't that a cute idea?
DICK
I think the door should be opening now.
MARGARET
That's not the only thing that would open for you, Dick.
Dick runs out of the elevator and into the courtyard. Julia is standing in there, dressed like a vixen. She is running her hands through her long beautiful hair. Dick comes running in, shaken by the elevator ride.
JULIA
Hi handsome! You're just who I wanted to see.
DICK
God! Why?
JULIA
Because I lost my little ring. I dropped it and can't find it anywhere.
DICK
Did you look in the grass?
JULIA
No.
DICK
How did you lose it?
JULIA
I was just moving around. You know, I love to dance. I think I dropped it down my dress.
Can you help me find it?
DICK
Ummmm
JULIA
Do you like to dance?
DICK
I don't know. Why?
JULIA
Because I feel like dancing right now.
Dick runs away.
END SCENE TWO
Act One Scene Three
Outside Dick and Rhonda's apartment. Chorus member number one is knocking at the door with a basket of massage oils and sex toys. Dick answers.
CM#1
Hi, Dick!
DICK
What can I do for you?
CM#1
You mean, what can you do to me?
DICK
No.
CM#1
I heard it was your birthday.
%
Any vacancies in your building?
I would like to present this to the Peoria Chapter of the DAR and then write a book about the reaction......is that OK?