False Advertising
A ten-minute play by Margaret Sullivan
Dramatis Personae
Chloe: a sensitive, intelligent, self conscious but undiscovered high school beauty
Nick: something of the opposite of Chloe, knows he is the 'class catch', but is self abnegating nonetheless ...
Miss Latta: an impassioned woman, too long repressed by the constrictions of her life as a chef and educator, feared and respected by her constituents, probably has an obsessive-compulsive disorder, definitely a perfectionist, but with a deep and feeling soul
Setting
A high school classroom with long table in the lecture spot for culinary demonstration. Several lettuces are in view. Miss Latta is stage right talking on a cell phone, and dressed to teach a cooking class. The classroom is empty, as if between passing time.
Scene One
MISS LATTA
into phone in a calm, measured manner
Well, alright. Yes, I guess I understand. So, you need to charge me a late fee even though I was not late, but because. . . .
pause
And, yes, I now understand that your company merger created the breakdown that reconstituted your books so that you now realize that I was not late with my payment--that you were late with processing it because of the takeover--but that still, even though you acknowledge that it is your fault, I must pay a late fee?
pause
OK. Yes. OK. Yes. Please, let me understand. You are saying that I now owe a "Conversation Fee"? Because I am having a conversation with you? I owe a fee for that?
Do you owe me a fee for my conversation with you?
pause
May I ask? Why is the Conversation Fee higher than the bill itself?
pause
OK. Alright. Alright. Please do not force me to incur any other fees. . .What? an "Ending the Conversation Fee"?
What if I don't end the conversation? Have I used up my Conversation Fee time?
pause, Ms. Latta is getting irritated
Well, which is more affordable? Ending the conversation or staying in the conversation?
pause
Oh, forget it!
She slams the phone closed or down, a bell rings, students trickle in, we only notice two, Nick and Chloe. They sit waiting for class to begin. Caroline walks to the demonstration table, picks up a knife and starts hacking lettuces viciously and shouting around tightened lips.
MISS LATTA
Late fees! Conversation fees! Mergers! Ending conversation fees!
Late fees! Conversation fees! Mergers! Ending conversation fees!
CHLOE
to herself, or journaling in a way that the audience can hear her thoughts<br><br>
I am a normal honest, right handed person, but I get treated like I am not. And I get in trouble for it academically, behaviorally. They give me bad grades because they know I am spiritually left handed. And they say I am a trouble maker because they can tell I think with my left hand.
In my locker there are two pair of dance shoes: level one and level two. Given this problem I have with society, how will I ever reach level three?
Miss Latta continues to chop and quietly yell as Chloe continues to journal
NICK
Same as Chloe, journaling or thinking to himself
An artist shouldn't be scooping ice cream. How can I get fired? I can get fired and it won't be my fault. I won't have to scream all day, "Yessir! Yessir! Yessir!" Three years of Yessir and I am a different person. Tomorrow, I am going to say to that geek, that franchisee--"Fight Me! Fight Me!" I am going to make him fight me. It is going to be great. He is going to respect me now.
MISS LATTA
Stops chopping, her last remark, barked over the lettuce, directly aimed at the audience is
This is not a good time for people.
pause
Alright, class, let's begin.
This is a knife. It is a metaphor for chefs, for girls and boy scouts. for murderers, for all of society. Use it with your left hand. Use it with your right hand. Use it to create. Use it to destroy. Are you listening back there? A knife has seven parts. And the world has seven days. They can fight and fight all over the nations about who has what holiday that means what when, but the knife--it always has seven parts, and the week always has seven days. The knife is something we can all believe in. Oh, there are guns. There are microwaves. But a knife. A knife means something to a chef. Start to believe in it.
CHLOE
Whispering to Nick
Is she angry?
NICK
Yes! I love it.
CHLOE
Are we in trouble? Have we done anything wrong?
NICK
No, no. That's the thing. We are fine. She is going to work it out for us. We just watch.
CHLOE
But she is so angry.
NICK
For a good reason, I bet.
CHLOE
What could the reason be? Do you think she was made to do things that she didn't want to do?
NICK
sarcastically
Oh, no, never. No one EVER EVER does things they do not want to do.
CHLOE
Oh.
NICK
All that vigorous chopping? She is telling us the truth.
CHLOE
I want to know the truth.
NICK
Then don't be talking to me. I am a liar--professional liar.
CHLOE
Really?
v NICK
Oh, yes. I lie and lie and lie. It is what I do.
CHLOE
I know the animal. My father is a big liar.
NICK
Then it is in your blood. You are perhaps a dormant liar.
CHLOE
Me? Because of blood?
NICK
Ah blood--the sticky stuff that keeps us all together.
CHLOE
Tell me a lie.
NICK
I can only do that if I tell you the truth first. Then, you will know when I am lying.
CHLOE
How will I know?
NICK
Well, it's about the sequence. First, I show you my cards--I am a liar--you know.
CHLOE
Then I pretend. I go, you can't be lying. Not you. You would never lie.
NICK
Oh, but would I.
CHLOE
Or you would lie, but I am so special that I will change you--and you will want to be truthful to me.
NICK
Yes! Yes! Now you've got it!
CHLOE
And you go--I will always be true to you.
NICK
That's how we do it!
CHLOE
And then--then--you tell your lies.
NICK
Yes!
CHLOE
And then, I get all shocked and dismayed!
NICK
I mean, how could I?
CHLOE
How could you lie to me!
MISS LATTA
What's going on back there?
NICK
Well, Miss Substitute, Miss Culinary Substitute, we are having an illicit conversation about lying. We are using the conversation to help us fall in love.
CHLOE
delighted
In love?
MISS LATTA
A free conversation?
NICK AND CHLOE
It is absolutely free.
MISS LATTA
What did you lie about?
NICK
So many things. One day, we were in a department store, my mother and I. She was shopping with all the money I earned for her from being in the Cheerio's commercials she made me do when I was four. She was buying glamorous things, but that didn't mean she wasn't really, really cheap inside.
MISS LATTA
So she was prudent? Prudence is a virtue.
CHLOE
You weren't the one lying, she was.
NICK
It's in my blood.
She had a fake Gucci bag and was waltzing around Neiman's with it on her shoulder.
MISS LATTA
A forgivable lie. As a mother, she was unable to provide for herself the things she needed because she was more concerned about your needs.
CHLOE
So it was her--you, you wouldn't lie.
NICK
I was eight. We approached the accessories section and there were real Gucci handbags on display.
I said, "Look Mom! That's like your purse, but real!"
CHLOE
Oh boy.
MISS LATTA
acting as Nick's Mom
Little boy, you should go and find your mother. And you should stop telling lies.
NICK
excited
That's what she said! That's what she did!
CHLOE
jumps out of her chair
She did not! She lied and then pretended not to know you?
NICK
Yes. And I went away.
MISS LATTA
wielding knife
Your mother is such a bitch.
CHLOE
How could she?
Nick absorbs the sympathy
MISS LATTA
How did you find your mother after that?
NICK
In the parking lot.
CHLOE
Is that story a true story?
NICK
A true story out of the mouth of a liar.
CHLOE
How romantic!
MISS LATTA
Did your mother apologize or explain?
NICK
Are you kidding?
CHLOE
Doesn't it make you want to fight?
MISS LATTA
Or dance? Or cook? There are all kinds of choices you can make when you are angry. I mean, you can't control who you are or what happens to you, but you can control who you become.
CHLOE
I am going to become a level three dancer.
NICK and MISS LATTA
How romantic!
NICK
I am going to become a man of my word.
CHLOE and MISS LATTA
How romantic!
CHLOE and NICK
And you, Miss Substitute, Miss Culinary?
MISS LATTA
I am going to write a recipe, a magic recipe for a dish that when you eat it, and it will be divine, no one can ever hurt you again.
CHLOE and NICK
And will we make it together in class?
MISS LATTA
Yes, tomorrow. Until tomorrow.
Chloe and Nick exit, holding hands. Miss Latta picks up the phone.
END